Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
