I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
