you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
