ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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