You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
