I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
