Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
