u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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