I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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