Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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