i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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