There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
