if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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