i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
