Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
