Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
