do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
