he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
