the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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