I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am naked and annoyed.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
