I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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