Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
