I got chris browned last night
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
