i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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