Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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