somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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