How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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