Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
