He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There r osticjed everywhere
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
