So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
