He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
