Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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