dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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