thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Randomize
