i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
