I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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