You're completely useless in the revolution.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she told me i tasted like america
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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