I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
