I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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