I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize