I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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