if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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