I can text with my tongue
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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