Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
