This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
