How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
