The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
