I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
