I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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