Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
