dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize