It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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