We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
