you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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