so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
