Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
