Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
